How to Use a Changing Room – “Never Hit a Jellyfish with a Spade” by Guy Browning

A changing room is halfway between a meeting room and a bathroom. It’s the only place where you have to be businesslike and naked at the same time.
Communal showers have two temperatures: glacial or scalding. Standing at one side with your hand in the shower will not significantly alter the temperature either way. At the very least, you can tilt your head into the shower for two seconds, keeping your body well clear, in order to give your hair the just-showered look vital for the bar afterwards.
It’s important to wash your private bits in the shower, but they must only be given a brisk buffing. Anything more leisurely will be seen as indulgence bordering on wanton self-gratification. Once out of the shower you should dry yourself immediately. Promenading with arms akimbo is a big no-no. At the other extreme, some people do their best to dry themselves as much as possible inside their locker. Others wrap a towel round their waist and then try to pass all their clothes up underneath.
There are two places you are allowed to look in a changing room: the floor and the ceiling. You are also allowed to look in the mirror, but only to give your hair a once-through with a comb. Hours in front of the mirror bouffing up your hair up will undo any amount of heroic performance on the sports field/exercise bicycle.
In a communal shower you should not stand face-out as this would be considered grotesque exhibitionism, nor should you sand facing in as this suggests you have something to hide. You should stand 45-115 ̊ off –center and then lather yourself until you’re covered head to foot in a wall of suds. Take one bottle of body wash into the shower and one bottle only. Avoid bringing your own bar of soap from home in a plastic soap-dish. If you drop your soap at any time, leave it. Don’t go back for it. Simply rinse quickly and leave smartly.
It is imperative never to speak to anyone in the changing room ever, unless you have lost a limb or are attempting to evacuate the building. An occasional ‘Sorry’ is fine if you’ve accidentally put your shoes on someone’s bit of bench. Never follow up with ‘My goodness, you buttocks have left a big wet patch on the bench’.
Some changing rooms have communal baths where the whole teams can soak and have a chat. Remember, entry to a communal bath is by invitation only, so don’t attempt to slip in when there is a full team of rugby players already ensconced.